He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
