babies were throwing up all over the place
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
