My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
