I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
