the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i drank out of a bidet.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
