Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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