Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
