Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
