Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
