The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
