happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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