DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
there is glitter all over my balls
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