Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
