i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
