Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
