It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
