3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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