Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
