kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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