you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
