I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
