Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
