did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
