Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
