My liver just broke up with me...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
