Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize