Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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