i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
They are going to name an STD after you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
