two words: eviction party
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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