just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
