I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
