the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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