am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
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