is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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