My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
