so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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