p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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