if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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