I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
