and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
