do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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