At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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