well I can't set my house on fire every night
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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