sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
