just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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