put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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