just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
