Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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