i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
