Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
