I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
