Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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