Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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