I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
