How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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